Left feet

"He awoke with his left foot out of the bed." Somehow this is akin to waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Those Germans have a word for everything..

Only Germans - well, okay...only Bavarians could have a word for "An open-handed smack that is so powerful it leaves fingerprint impressions in the face of the person smacked."

That word is Watsch'n.

But wait...There's more!

A gscheide Watsch'n is a high-quality Watsch'n - a real belt in the kisser.

On intelligence

"It's not like there's a party going on in his head, either."

Palm donkey

Heard this morning:
"It's Palm Sunday."
"I woke up last. I'm the Palm esel" (this means Palm Donkey)

German beer garden songs

Most Americans are stunned to learn that among the most popular songs sung by raucous rooms full of drunken Germans mispronouncing the letters "S," "W," "G" and everyone's favorite consonant diagraph, "th" are:

KUNTRY ROADSS by Chon Tenfah

This is the most popular song in the entire country. Seriously.

Kuntry roadss..../
Take me humm...../
Too zuh plass..../
Vay I bilUNG.../
VEST FUH-chin-YA.../
Mownteen maMA (and baby, you ain't lived till you've heard a room full of drunk Germans hit the phrase, 'Mountain mama')
Take me humm..../
Kuntry roadss....

[90% sit down at this point while the brave 2% of the remainder stand, wave their liter-sized beer-mugs back and forth Mitch Miller style and sing:

oh mah meamriees/
gezzer rowna/
mamas lady/
rancha two za water...../
[sip sip gulp aaaahhh]
izzy hasty MOONSHINE tierpark in mine eyes....

[And everyone suddenly stands and shouts]

Kuntry roadss..../
Take me humm...../
Too zuh plass..../
Vay I bilUNG.../
VEST FUH-chin-YA.../
Mownteen maMA
Take me humm..../
Kuntry roadss....

[repeat]

Other German classic beer hall songs:

Sweet Caroline

SVEET KAROLINE..
HO HO HO

(come to think of it, this doesn't sound much worse than the average Fenway Park rendition)

And, inexplicably...

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden

Was ich nicht Weiss...

"What I don't know won't make me hot."

On life

"The stupidest farmers have the fattest potatoes." (thanks, Ken)